FADE IN:
INT. WHEELCHAIR IDOL SET
Cameras scan the clapping, waiving audience, scrolling past the three-judge panel, focusing on the host, RYAN, standing center-stage, dressed in a form-fitting pinstripe suit, with contrasting three-days growth of a beard.
RYAN
Good evening, America. I'm Ryan, and we're live from Hollywood tonight, where we continue searching for the next Wheelchair Idol.
The theme music plays, and audience cheers.
RYAN
First up tonight is Wicked, an ultralight wheelchair with a chrome frame, three-spoke rear wheels, and polished aluminum casters.
A woman in a satin gold evening gown walks behind the wheelchair, pushing it to the middle of the stage, waives to the audience, and walks off.
RYAN
Judges, this is Wicked. Paula, what are your thoughts?
PAULA
Geesh, it's so shiny, sparkly-like. You know, I would never want anyone to have to use a wheelchair. But, I have to say that you, Wicked, make me want to use a wheelchair. I bet that you make millions and millions of people, who don't have a disability, want to use a wheelchair. You know, I look at you, Wicked, and I see such grace - you have a seat, and wheels, and little pushy things….
SIMON
They're brakes, Paula - they're called brakes.
PAULA
And, brakes. I just love the little, pushy brakes. You make me want to jump up on stage and push your little, pushy brakes. And, I bet America wants to push your little, pushy brakes, too.
RYAN
Ok, Simon, your turn.
SIMON
I have to say that if I had to use a wheelchair like that, I'd go down to the supermarket, steal a shopping cart with a wheel missing, and still be ahead of the game. What are you thinking? And, unlike Paula here, I have to tell you that your push brakes are annoying, sticking up like tentacles on a hideous creature.
PAULA
Oh, come on, Simon - what are you blind?
SIMON
No, I'm not blind, and thank goodness I'm not physically challenged, either - I'd hate to be stuck in that ghastly contraption.
The audience boos.
RYAN
Well, Randy, what do you think?
RANDY
Yo, yo, yo. Dog, four wheels, a seat, a flashy frame - I dig it, dog. If I was a wheelchair, I'd want to be that chair, spinning in circles, poppin' wheelies. Not sure if I like the push brakes, may want pull-to-lock or scissor-lock, but right on, dude.
The audience claps.
RYAN
To recap the judges: Paula said that you make her want to push your little, pushy brakes. Simon said that he's thankful he's not physically challenged, he'd hate to be stuck in your ghastly contraption. And, Randy said that he digs your four wheels, seat, and flashy frame. America has voted….
The camera scans the motionless audience, then focuses on RYAN and the wheelchair.
RYAN
Wicked, you will be going home.
The camera pans the stunned looks of the members of the audience, then turns to PAULA's teary, glazed eyes, panning back to RYAN, holding a microphone to the empty wheelchair on stage.
RYAN
Do you have any final words for your fans?
The wheelchair doesn't move; the audience is dead silent. Ryan slowly moves the microphone toward the wheelchair's backrest, staring intently.
SIMON
For Pete's sake - it's a freakin' wheelchair. It can't talk, it doesn't have feelings - what's wrong with you people.
SIMON throws his hands up in the air, thrusting back in his chair.
PAULA
You don't have feelings, Simon!
The judges' microphones are turned off, and the theme music plays, the camera turning back to RYAN.
RYAN
That's it for this week, America. We'll see you next time on Wheelchair Idol.
FADE OUT.